Sad Stories

 

I'm an actor. Not famous, i'm just very famous in my head. 

I can see myself standing on stage at the ''Oscars'' and i get nominated for beeing the most male actor of the year. I don't know what year, but lets say 2022 just for having something to write about.

 

What am i capable of as an actor, what are my bounderies? 

Does this affect my personal life? And does my personal life affect my acting?

My answer would be:

Yes it does affect both ways. You see now a these days i am not a very happy person. As the matter of fact i have never been a good example for happiness. 

I've had a tough time groving up and it's acctually a miracle the way i see it that i am still alive. 

Many times i have thought of ''putting an end to all of the missery'' and acctually gone that far that i have tried it. 

Never the less... I always put a lot of energy in to acting but hardly in to beeing someone i'm not. Because all i do is bee myself only in a different universe and a different inviroment. Therefore i can act like a crazy and loud person, an idiot, a smartass, a viseguy, a tough guy, a romantic person, a disgusting person, and also imitate other really good actors that i beleive inspire me a lot like Al Pacino. All he does is beeing himself, and you can't tell a difference between reality or acting when he acts because he is so good that you think for example that he is a blind man like in the movie ''Scent of a woman'' when he is playing Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade, a blind veteran. You acctually think he could be blind in real life as well and that is one of the reasons why he got so famous.

 

I'm good at beeing myself when i act and there for i have never more than just two or three times experienced stage fright. I have nothing to be afraid of i say to myself everytime before i go out and that's the truth. You don't have anything to be afraid of it's only imagination. You put your mind in to the audience's heads and you get nervous because you worry about what they are thinking about you at the moment. When they laugh you get confused, you don't know if they are laughing ''at you'' because you are you or because you did or said something funny and they laughed at it.. ofc there is a much better and logical explanation for that theory, and it's also wery different from person to person. I how ever have managed to disconnect that part from my brain when i'm on stage. I'm beeing myself and that's nothing to be ashamed of (WHEN ACTING!!!).

I am a very sad person in real life and very down to earth and that's what i connect to the role i'm playing. It does'nt mean i only play a sad and down to earth person. It means that i have a ''layer'' of ''sadness and down to earthness'' as the root of the role and then i mix it with different emotions and personalities. It's like a mixture of pizzas with different flavours and combinations of sauces and meat. For example here i take the things i'm best at.. New Jersey style, a boss who likes to rule and make decisions and also the accent is 100% Jersey. I have a big interest in the movies and series about the Italian mafia and life as a mafia boss etc.. So i have much knowledge from that and know how to make it look real so it wont look like i'm pretending to be a mafia boss for example. When i act in real life sometimes people who don't know me get a little bit scared since they think i'm serious when talking about ''whackin that rat basterd'' or ''puttin a cap in his brain'' or telling a story about ''that guy beeing a wise guy and therefore now he's sleepin with the fishes''. You never know when i'm serious and when i'm kidding unless you already know me. I'm always a good badguy. Never really been a good goodguy when i try.

 

When i'm beeing the 100% Dennis at acting i am as i said the sad person with no interest of living. And you can see how crushed i am and how lonely i am and such a deep lifehater. I can cry, it's easy to show emotions and explain myself from the bottom of my heart. Once i get started the tears just follow, and many will think the tears are fake but they are acctually real since i'm crying about something i am sad about. Something that's been going on in my head for a long time and i just want to get it out but it never comes out no matter how many times i drag it out with the emotions. When i improvise a monologue or start a conversation i use the terms and stories of my own private life and i commit it to something else. And everytime it's a different story since it's so much to tell about what's going on and kept on in my life from my past. So i can almost refer to anything. 

And when people see me they think it's all a deep act but it's not. The words, the sentences, the cry, the voice, the expression of my face, the movements of my body. It's all real, i'm just doing it on stage or in the hallway or out on the street etc. I am not happy, i am sad, i hate my life, i cry for real. ''Stop laughing at me and stop saying i'm so good it's not funny!'' that's what my head shouts to me everytime. But who can hear my thoughts but myself? No one can.